I turn to my mirror - that which reflects myself, that i can talk to and expect full comprehension from - and am met with only a bland, unwitting, confused wall which is of no use to me. and what good is that?

 
yellow ain't MY personal fav colour, but i'm guessing you'll catch the reference. the mirror metaphor isn't the best, but it does reflect (hahahaha) something of what i feel i guess.
 like i said, its kinda sad... i miss the way things were, that's for sure. this is all pretty fucked up. i mean i can't carry out a half decent conversation with what i'm stuck with at the moment without throwing my hands up in the air and giving up!! not that it was just the conversation LA (special nod to Khoo there) its really just the comprehension. but what the hey it could be much much worse.

but putting the class on us as SPIES or GUARDS?? that's pretty damn fucking extreme. (i'm serious here, so forget abt using "en". "ing" is for the real shit :D)

felt good to do the right thing and give Fahy his work today, it really did. it'll feel bad on Friday when he returns it, having read it and discovered it to be the shit it really is :)

 

there're two people (both female, coincidentally) i could quite gladly kill right now.

with you, its the same old thing. it just seems incredibly fucking rude (kindly note the use of "ing" once more) to swoop in uninvited and claim someone who was already engaged in an existing conversation or WHATEVER the fuck it was! what can i do? fall behind and just watch you, the bitch that you sometimes are, saunter off. you just bide your time until we like go round a corner or something and you spring from behind like some predatory rat... if you DON'T manage to squeeze your way in, you just hover around behind until you DO, eavesdropping on everything, and butting in where unwanted. you have no fucking DECORUM, that's what it is. clingy sucker.

(maybe unwarranted anger, some of it. and i said "the bitch that you SOMETIMES are, so i dont hate her. just incredibly pissed off - increasingly so every day)

 
and then there's you: you're just arrogant and afraid to admit it. that kinda gutlessness just makes me irate that's all. spose you're just human.

alright so most of my anger's for the former person, i guess
yeah it really really really annoys me. this whole thing abt seating just kinda makes it worse, in ways i can't explain (and that's saying something!! :D)

 
its good to know that its not where we sit that really matters...... there was a time when i thought it did. that things'd all fall apart when moved apart. stupid eh? what the subconscious does. but a very powerful thing, too - always remember that.

 manipulation 101.

 

 

 

blogging on demand... demand for blogging... an industry which isn't worth entering into due to the massively high production costs involved, as well as non-cost factors like stress and forced creativity... PLUS Production and Cost notes sitting in my bag :)

 

some of you are, doubtless, wondering what all of that means. i'd tell you, i swear i would. in fact, i'd tell you straight away the next time i see you. if you were to call me after reading this, i'd even tell you straight away. problem is, you see, however, on the other hand and BUT, i don't know.

 

i was just wondering out loud to myself what it is that gets me the most distracted. talking, or my phone? to which i replied that i've been messaging all my life, so it must be the talking. thus, i shall resolve to talk less. (Quiet down front!! no laughing y'hear).

 
(isn't this cool? i swear i'll die at the ripe old age of like 90 or something, and people STLL WON'T FUCKEN GET IT)

 

"No bitch, i aint gonna eat."
"yeah ho i'm eating today. what's it to you muthafucka?"
"sure i'm eating. just dont follow me around LIKE A GODDAMN SHEEP!!"
 
 
 
 
damn but aint colours fun?

 

alright so a little recap: got fucked like hell on saturday (vicariously, admittedly. but what the hey, eh? ) during PTM. but what's new? also had Kang message me outta the blue.... which was kinda nice, i guess, but i don't wanna get mixed up with all that shit again.

one person i WOULD like to get mixed up with also carried out extensive conversations with me over the weekend. but you voyeur vultures ain't getting shit, quit panting.

 

started reading The Da Vinci Code (thanks). interestingly, it seems to have something of a global impact. now why is that? i'd be the last person to say its boring - far from it. but honestly, its a TERRIBLY written book. it relies on the heretical, obviously-well-researched subject matter to engage the reader. if Dan Brown ever writes Fantasy, for example, count me out.
don't let me stop you from reading it though. i strongly advocate the intellectual experience. and for those who've read it, my new favourite number is definitely 1.618. wasn't that the freakiest??

 

 

sometimes i watch you, and feel so sad. you deserve better...... or at least he should treat you better, i think. i see that look on your face when he flirts (or whatever you want to call it. God knows it isn't very advanced flirting, that's for sure) and it just seems unfair. i've got abt the most perfect vantage point too. he uses you, sometimes, i feel. like i've noticed, you should be more assertive, and speak up more.

it's not really my problem, but this is where i express myself, so consider me expressed :)

 

 
so today actually turned out pretty alright. i was expecting like major seperation and all, which really wouldn't have been much fun (remember the intrusion of a smaller one a while back?) but it seems to be alright. i mean seriously teachers are all just so much balderdash sometimes ("balderdash", of course, being another word for BULLSHIT). plus the biggest worry of 'em all seems to think side-by-side is a GOOD thing!

 
this constand feeling of a need to encrypt my words is actually kinda fun. my only worry is that most of you won't get it :) hahahaha.

 

 

an anvil's black and shiny
and very heavy too
so watch out my chubby friend
or one may fall on you.

 

 
always good to start things on a nice cheerful note. who wouldn't want an anvil dropping on them, i mean really?

 

half caught glances like every FIVE FUCKEN MINUTES. (forgive me, i lie. six, maybe?) it can get kinda edgy/annoying/disturbing. i mean its not even flattering any more.

of course its not REALLY disturbing. just slightly discomforting sometimes. (wait, isn't that the same thing? -takes another hit- oh hi there Mickey! what, you wanna sing for me?) i wonder just how much effort it'd take to reel her in. if it wasn't for a particularly bad experience earlier in my life (God i hope she isn't reading this :D) i would try, and to Hell with the consequences. try just for kicks.

 
friend of mine just came online, and his nick was a phrase i coined some time last year. it was in one of my blog entries, for those of you who are my loyal readers. (Look, i like to think there are some. just humour me, alright? the truth can hurt sometimes).
"Fight for world intelligence, not peace".
now before you throw it out as rubbish, think about it. which is better: a planet full of peaceful, but FUCKING STUPID and placid, ne'er-do-wells (God i love that phrase) who will never further the human race? or a globe populated with increasingly intelligent people - people who will, quite possibly, cease fighting anyway, realising as they quite likely will that war is a waste of time?
(this doesn't agree with the take some people have on such matters..... authors like Herbert believe that Chaos is a necessary part of the continuation of humanity, and that war is one manifestation of this Chaos. i actually reckon there's a helluva lotta truth in that.)

 

 
it would be funny to some cosmic being out there if you were putting out all the signals and i ignored them coz i thought it couldnt possibly be true. funny to that galactic creature, yes, but not to me.

 

 
Red, yellow, pink and blue
orange and purple too
green, white, dark grey and brown
i love 'em all. and you?

 

 
yeah blogger's got colour now, i've discovered. expect many bad colour schemes in the very (SCARILY) near future, ladies and gents.

 

i'd write something short and sweet
but i dont know if i can
i'd write something long and sad
but right now i aint the man.
currently i just sorta feel
like one of the walking dead
supposed to be horizontal
and yet not on my bed
i dont know what i'm doing here
i dont know why i breathe
and if i were to die like, now,
would you notice as i leave?

 

 

there's a test tomorrow.
 
BUT I DON'T CARE.
 
people keep asking me fucken invasive questions.
 
BUT I DON'T CARE (anymore, that is).
 
sometimes the rest of the world gets on my fucken nerves.
 
i'd be lying if i said i don't care, even if i didnt say it in CAPS.
 
 
 
 
 
 
sometimes you just gotta wonder where the drive and all went. what'd it get sucked down into? some eternal dark black hole? coz i'm sure i didnt start out like this.
 
 
 
(truly concerned? or just another drama wannabe mouthing off? you decide - but dont tell me. frankly speaking i couldnt give a fuck)
 
 
 
two steps back you're in my space
- Personal Space Invader-
 
 
 
i am the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, the noose and the rapist, the field's overseer, the agents of orange, the priest of Hiroshima, the cost of my desire. sleep now in the fire.
 
( i cant take credit for that. its from "The Cost of my Desire" by Rage Against the Machine)
 
 
 
 
 
how much of a put down is too much, and how much is just right? hard to draw the line until you've crossed it. if only we had "back buttons" eh?
 
what a load of crap THAT all was in school. although the questions and ideas that were raised, while not explored (of course. its GP. since when are INTELLIGENT concepts discussed?) were fun. i always enjoy them.
for example, the standard classic: if a tree falls in a forest, but there's no living animal there to witness the fall (or hear it) does the tree, for all intents and purposes, make a sound? think abt that one. standard philosopy question.
 
and another one: if you go back into the past and kill your grandmother as a baby, don't u then cease to exist, coz u killed your grandmother, which stops your mother from being born, thus denying YOU a chance at life? so what would happen? the moment you kill your grandmother, you'd disappear? but then if you disappear, your grandmother wouldnt be killed right? which would mean you would live, which would mean you'd kill her........................ BUT.
 
another standard one there. nothing new i came up with. (altho khoo didnt know abt it AT ALL. just goes to show how vital science fiction is to a decent, all-rounded education)
 
 
there's kinda so much i wanna say, but no way of expressing it. plus the CIA's always out there, listening, observing............ so yeah :)
 
 
 
plus who knows who i'd scare if i said everything?
 
 
 
 
 
 
Goodnite, Ganesh.

you know how sometimes you just wanna get on a bus, any bus, and ride and ride and ride and ride and ride and ride and ride and ride and ride, come what may.... and never ever ever look back? yeah...




just doing things on impulse has a thrill all of its own. there's a sort of freedom in doing it - a release from the shackles (god i love that word) of normality, of "this is what we always do". i'd love to just pack my bags, go to the airport and take the first flight with a cancelled seat.better yet, bring an empty suitcase and buy an entirely new wardrobe when i get to wherever i'm going. (Please God don't let anyone cancel flights to Greenland, please God). such is one of my dreams, then, oh voyeurs: to be able to do whatever i want, whenever i want, and the freedom to leave any events i choose up to Chance.



I'm more proud of YOU than you'll ever accept, i reckon. you can go on about it for as long as u want - i won't say shit. and its not just results; its more things than i could count on two hands AND my feet (!!!!) .



notice i havent said anything about my school results? in case you're wondering, that's just the way its gonna stay.




complexes, problems, depression, blue funk, and my own personal "Doom Cloud" (that one's a special killer all of its own). like i said today, it just seems like life's a huge bleeding mess, when u actually sit back and smell the carbon-based organic structures. it really is. we hop from mess to disaster; frogs leaping from lily pad to lily pad - frogs who are just slightly too heavy, and each lily pad is slightly smaller. just slightly. so we sink a little on the first, and hop away before going under...... but with each consecutive lily pad we sink a little more - coz we sure as hell ain't getting any lighter - until eventually our weight of SELF simply cannot be borne up any more, and under we go. that's life - lily pads, amphibians and all.






sometimes u just feel like u gotta be Superman or something - coz it seems impossible to help someone who's one of the most important people in the world. and what can you do, people, pray tell. NOTHING. nothing of worth, at least. but you try, don't you. oh boy, you try and try and try. and all you're hoping for is that it'll blow over, disappear, go away. u just wanna REMOVE the damn fucking pain, the lousy depression, the goddamn Doom Cloud. u just cant seem to help.
but you try, anyway.

hahahahhaahhahhaahhahahaha it kills me it really does, the absolute stupidity of it all.


i said "maybe you should ______ __" and you said "aiyah its too late already la"


so i got home, and thought "maybe i should change __ ____. but then i realised if i DID change __ ____ it'd be damn fucking _______ to _o_ and then presumbaly _o_ would follow the inevitable chain of connections back to ___ and THEN we'd all be fucked wouldnt we?



confused? fuck off and die.




oooo so we got some anger brimming
stir that old bitch round and round
make it simmer, boil and bubble
and i'll tackle you to the ground
motherfucking asshole.




i spose there's always Clockwork Talk.
it makes me very radrez. very radrez indeed, to not be able to govereet what i want some of the time. in fact, i think i detect the von of a devotchka masquerading as a real horrowshow thing.





its funny..... i remembered talk of stories changing, and then i thought abt the one where apparently my father went to school: i really don't think he did you know!! sure it wasnt just you remembering the wrong thing? unlikely, but NOT impossible :)




profusely = loss........... and then after a while it apparently doesnt any more. the Second Law of Thermodynamics doesnt quite apply to the truth, you know.




ludicrous, indeed it is. *moonstruck, even. (ring any bells?) the constant hedging (oh for Chrissakes we arent talking abt fucken (see i'm adopting the lingo already :D) plants here you retard) and from multiple parties.




flow of consciousness has always been my style, and so it shall remain. those of you as can't keep up, or cant wrap your mind around my stuff, just leave. i wouldnt want your death-by-brain-explosion on my conscience (assuming, of course, i still have one. its existence is at this point a somewhat hazy matter - despite constant assertions by my appendix that IT is, in fact, the seat of said conscience)




i may seem somewhat hostile
and maybe slightly grim.
im just glad im stroking strongly
while u fuckers all cant swim

that's right you bastards
drown, you bitches, drown.
fuck off and burn in Purgatory
i don't wanna hear a sound.

made a deal with the Devil himself
he's coming for your soul
God above dont want your filth
but thru your heart He'll put a hole.

choke, struggle, bleed and sag
cough, weep, sigh and moan.
your time's up punk. its lights out now.
Shut up and die. Alone.







man its really hilarious, it really is. thanks for stopping me from being horrible (this thing has its upsides for OTHER people too - only they'll never know it will they :D) altho i dont think telling me was BHB la. at least not much :D heh.





personally i reckon sex can just be one more thing that so totally fucks up peoples' lives and minds. not that i'm AGAINST it, mind you :) but im starting to realise that there are some plus sides to leaving it until marriage. blue balls for the guys, of course, NOT being one of them :)




Raindrops keep falling on my head
but that's not the reason why my head is turning red
its the fucking hail
those
hailstones keep falling on my head
they keep falling

so i just did me some talking to the sun
and i said "i'm pissed with the lousy way you get things done"
"what the fuck is this? these
hailstones keep falling on my head
they keep falling"





ah... the joys of butchering a song :)



and on that bloodthirsty note, i depart.

hmm its kinda strange that the poem i closed with yesterday should've foreshadowed one of today's sentiments so uncannily. since it must be important, here it is again:

sometimes i feel so alone
i feel like i might die
lonely like the sun, i feel.
alone i drift across the sky.


really, the emotion i picked was completely random. had nothing to do with how i felt at the time. like i said, uncanny.



but anyhow, enough of that. i'll fix things up in THAT area tmr, see if i dont. and if i get stabbed in the ankle, well so be it. my ankle can take it :)



aside frm that it really WAS quite a depressing day........ overcast (altho it was bright for like 10 minutes), first day back at school - and today wasnt even full-on. downright slack really. tomorrow will only be worse.


one of the signs of strangeness in the world (as seen by the author)
: Hanson released their first album, which featured Mmmbop (uh huh that annoying-but-catchy song... kinda like Barney's theme song.............. wait, just me? ) and it sold 8 million copies in the states. they released their second album, with the MUCH better song (in my humble opinion - isnt it amazing that online chatters shorten that to IMHO?! that's sick, really) This Time Around, and it only sells 1 million copies in the US. why? because the average buyer of CDs has no musical taste whatsoever. I think.



it gets on my FUCKING NERVES (u feelin me?) when i become the target of someone who feels a need to satisfy their inferiority complex. it really makes me all radrez (havent used Clockwork Orange lingo for a while - its quite refreshing, you sloshy what i'm govereeting? :D)

another thing is just straight out discourtesy or whatever you wanna call it. just coz i dont KICK your ass outta my territory (another 4 letter word here would make what i'm talking abt just too obvious. you never know who reads these things - although i DO know you're in here CIA. you can come out now guys, i wont bite) doesnt mean you can stay where you are.



but enough negativity. that scene in Spiderman 2 where he gets gently body-surfed after saving the train? tell me that isnt an intensely spiritual scene. its evocative of what it would look like if Mel Gibson had shot the lowering of Christ's body off the cross - i think in much the same way would Mary, Peter and John have lowered Jesus' body to the ground. and that's the big similarity between them - they both sacrificed for others. so where're the Jesus Christ comics, i ask you?





anger blasts right through my mind
ripping across my neurons, red.
in my mind's eye i watch her die
and lies there as she bleeds. bled.

some friend eh? sometimes i really dont know why i ever bothered with you..... why i stand up for you, even now.

fucking fake.

always have been, i guess. but everyone makes mistakes.

the duality of those statements appeal strongly to me at the moment. not that anyone else outside of my head will understand what it is i'm saying. and that's quite likely a good thing.







its funny really... looking arnd me relationships dont seem to be causing anyone anything but pain - in the short run or the long run. but headlong into them we still go. stupid animals, arent we? and yet Rage Against the Machine still laughs at moths in a lamp shade.




saw Spiderman 2 today. i put it to you, ladies and gentlemen, that that movie has risen above the everyday movie, transcending most of Hollywood's trash, to become true art. Spiderman 2 is, to me, a work of art, nothing less.

but more on that tomorrow.





at the same time i'm rediscovering the delight of talking to you. i'd forgotten what it was like - quite unlike anything else. its good to know you feel i'm there even when i'm not - and i'm glad i can help, "no matter the distance or time" :)



what about +you? where are you? hope everything's gone well for you today - better than things went for me, at least. but is that possible? :D


sometimes i feel so alone
i feel like i might die
lonely like the sun, i feel.
alone i drift across the sky.




when does friendship stop being friendship and start becoming clingyness?


when its fucking annoying, that's when. when you feel you can't stand to have the other person around. THAT'S when.

we were talking abt things that Fahy's taught us..... things that we've learned from him. and this's one of the things (although i don't know if you were there :D). We should keep record of each day's events... because if we dont, if we have no concrete memory of what happened, what transpired that day, then what is the point of having lived it?
take this as an example: just think of, say, the year 2002. not that long ago, is it? now think of the month of, hmmm, April. that's as good as any other. only 27 months ago - 27 months, what's that? nothing, wouldn't you think? alright now tell me... what did you do on the 15th (the date is entirely arbitrary) of April, 2002?

no idea? absolutely no recollection? so what, then, is the point of having lived that day?

i've heard some say that you mustn't live in the past all the time, and they use this to counter-argue the above. to me, that holds less water than a dead camel's toenails. it aint living in the past, in my book,to keep a record of what has gone before. to live permanently in the present would be to, each and every day, forget what was learnt the day before. and where would that leave us? (for those of you wise ones who have read "The Hyperion Cantos" by Dan Simmons, remember that girl in the first book who entered the Time Tombs and got that sickness where she steadily grows backwards in time, growing younger day by day, and each day waking up with one day less of memories? its like that, kind of)

which is why i'm worried that i havent blogged recently, because i've had some huge thoughts going thru my head recently. and now they're lost.




but enough of this maudlin attitude! stiff upper lip m'boy.




here's a quick recount:

Lit was damn fucking fun. (im referring to Practical Criticism here.) incidentally, if anyone can find out how i can contact Yann Martel personally (he wrote The Life of Pi) please advise.


i got fined 200 fucking dollars on Wednesday at Customs for bringing THREE PACKS of cigarettes into Singapore for my friends. long story....... i shan't (god i wish that was a real word) explain here. ask in person, if you want.


various positive and negative things with Euro 2004. fuck that.


INCREASING agitation at a certain supposed friend of mine, who i still continue to stand up for, who still will not return me my money. where you at man? its 3 months late.... don't play me out.


when will you ACCEPT A COMPLIMENT? :) i'll keep trying. the more i see the more i try to tell you you're a good person. i AM a genius y'noe. i tend to be right abt these things :) and i know you accept them quite a bit. you know what i mean. naturally! :D


and you: I AINT FUCKING ENGLISH :D despite the stiff upper lip thing. really!!


had some great time to myself, some great time with important friends, and some real fucking lows. but that's life, isnt it?


more recently, got scouted (for only the second time in my life - maybe there shouldnt be a "maybe" there, but i'd like to have been scouted 100s of times by now :D) today on Orchard Road. its UAN if that rings any bells. the guy mentioned modelling and i was like "uhhh............" hahahahahahahaahahah. so that was fun. the last time was last year, so there's been quite a gap in between.



i realized i don't talk abt dope much any more.... i dunno whether to be happy or sad :)






soo......

"cogito, ergo sum". i think, therefore i am. Rene Descartes... and who can really argue with that succint summation of one's existence and reality?

and yet i find myself thinking: how much of our lives should be "those around us think, therefore i am such"? the main force behind this idea is the parental one. increasingly i am realizing just how much of how we think is molded by our parents. i put it to you, ladies and gentlemen: before we can even BEGIN to claim to be thinking for ourselves completely, we must free ourselves of the shackles our parents unwittingly place upon us, else we can never truly say we are thinking independently.

and yet what i've just typed is blatantly impossible anyway, as is no doubt obvious. the idea of completely independent thought is, sadly, ludicrous. there simply is no such thing.

but still, that aside, we should be as metacognitive as possible and try to think outside of the box our parents create around our minds. we should examine all our actions: i'm realizing that much of what i do is identical to what i hate seeing in my parents. which is very disquieting. dont be surprised if that little list of things you have which you swore you'd never do or become when you become a parent yourself instead becomes a guideline of sorts for parenthood - it happens, much more than you even fear.



++sudden thought: dont fucking say "give me five" and then not let me give it to you k. cheeeeeee bye! :D (apologies for the profanity.......... ahhhh who am i kidding :D)




i find myself within a box
created by my mind
i feel my way around it blindly
and soon leave all behind

for in the darkness of this place
humanity is stripped away
leaving in its place nothing less or more
than that simple primal clay

the essence of which we are made
God's playroom building blocks
those which he used to make and mold us
setting us ticking just like clocks

my soul languishes in this place
it cries and pleads and screams
but there is none to hear, the walls are sound proof
and all others are in boxes of their own.
boxes of our own creation.






what do you get if you a cross a bridge with a car?


to the other side of the bridge.


that's my time :)



Sugarcult - Pretty Girl (The Way)
(props to you for it)