i had one of the most hilarious conversations - or so i thought - via SMS i've had in a long time today, between me and a person who will, for the purposes of maintaining (did i spell that right?) privacy and anonymity and all that "Oh i'm a famous Hollywood star i must go undercover" lingo, be called *, in honour of a star with which said person is familiar, not being too fat to see his/her (no, its not that i'm unsure of *'s gender!) feet.

Note: This is original work, and as such the author (that's me) claims the right to assert intellectual ownership of said material. The other half of the conversation to be detailed below, having declined to be named, relinquishes this right. If and when this is made into '05's stunningly brilliant, amazingly funny, box-office-smashing movie, I shall laugh long, loud and clear.



o here it is:


Me: I curl up into a ball and die of sorrow

*: Oh yay! I am free.

Me: -silent as the grave, being dead-

*: Anyway you dont like that stuff. now at least i can buy lots.

Me: -silence continues, aside from wet sickly sound of worms feasting-

*: mmm :( that's no good! Cant you exist just for when i need you?

Me: -worms raise their heads (presumably? Hard to tell which end is which with worms) then return to feasting.

*: That's it? Hmpf!

Me: -worms suddenly realise they cant SMS. this message ends her- -

*: What happened to Tim?

Me: THIS IS GOD SPEAKING. TIM IS NOW WORM FODDER. FOREVER MORE YOU SHALL MOURN YOUR CALLOUS ACTIONS EARLIER.

*: God smses eh? Hey will I ever land a place in Heaven?

Me: THIS IS UNCERTAIN. TIME WILL TELL. AND YES, GOD SMSES. PERSONALLY I FAVOUR STARHUB FOR THEIR FREE INCOMING CALLS. DIAL 1633 FOR MORE INFORMATION.

*: What happened to tim? :(

Me: AN ACT OF GOD. UNDER INSURANCE POLICY REGULATIONS, YOU CANNOT MAKE ANY CLAIMS. DON'T EVEN BOTHER PRAYING.

*: I say this in angsty adolescent manner. God sucks!

Me: AND HE SWALLOWS, TOO. THIS IS MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR MANY WOMEN.

*: That is highly disturbing. You got me smiling to myself alone in orchard. not the best look. damnit!

Me: YOU SHOULD SEE IT FROM UP HERE. EVEN WORSE.

*: Wait, do you see me while i shower??

Me: THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT EVEN GOD HIMSELF CANNOT BEAR TO WITNESS.






and that was that :) was it funny at all??


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


i move, i come back.
Like a mote of dust drifting in the nor'west wind, i am caught by Time, endlessly fascinated with the workings of a see-saw. The delicious interplay of forces, so reassuring in their continued function, helps to stop me from getting stuck in prescient stasis. i am saved from being permanently trapped in the future-present by an outstretched hand, which turns out to be no more than a mummified claw, remnant of some long-gone bird. there is no salvation there. Hemmed in by Time, i lie petrified, afraid to open my eyes lest i be blinded, afraid to open my mind lest i be stripped of my intellect. So puny a thing, is my mind...stunted in its growth, lacking in fundamental development and dwarfed by the magnificence of galaxies.
Words slowly begin to become insufficient in my effort to express. As i drown, i clutch at the straws that are phrases, desperately trying to stay afloat by means of explaining my predicament. Words fail me, though, being incapable of anything new.
And it is indeed the new that i need to describe now, for there has never before been anything remotely similar to what i now experience.
Once more i drift, an Aboriginal man afloat on the great Sea of Time at the beginning of Earth. In the fire-hollowed canoe that is my skull, i float...aimlessly, with no purpose simply because i am resigned to the complete and utter lack of influence i have over the course of my existence.
I realise that my drifting serves no purpose. Realizing, i throw myself over the side of my canoe, and drown in the stars of the Universe's sea.

I move, I come back.