Graduation night was initially a farce, but it became bittersweet and poignant towards the end of the night, i think. its funny...we're all so fickle. One minute we were all bored outta our heads, the next (altho admittedly after the most bored amongst us left..... maybe we had been poisoned) i was actually enjoying myself - and incredibly, missing my school, again. I'll never ever see Brother Paul deliver any messages again; never will i have Michael Tan complain about me; the last time I suffer by way of being forced to gaze upon Tan Jek Suan's sad excuse for a face was last night.

There were real sweet moments. All of us standing together and most actually singing the school song was one of the most vivid ones. How ironic, that its at the end of it all that we show any fervour for the school. It was typical, though, that at the end those that dont give a fuck weren't there. Like i told you, some things - and some people - just never change.

in terms of class togetherness it wasnt the most fun thing ever. i swear to god i just wanted to rip that tie off your fucking neck and tell you to shove it once and for all so many goddamn times. and then of course we have the floaters who, well, float. Yes actually it bugs the fuck outta me. just sit at another goddamn table then if it means that fucking much. but what the hell right. Not like i'll see most of you ever again.

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Naturally, things arent the way i envisaged them to be - or the way you told me they'd be, for that matter. But then i'm more the fool for ever believing some of the things i did.

I dunno. maybe it finally is crumbling for me, now, too. I just dont want it to.






After the grad thingy (the climax of which was Taufik being crowned Singapore's first Idol. Three cheers then. Sylvester, methinks, doesnt need the title to make it, anyway) i met up with jacq (like i said, i should have done all of this much sooner) and kelli, to then be joined by Cindy, and the lot of us headed to Zouk.


So.


I hafta say i enjoyed myself. Like kelli constantly remarked, i didnt look depressed the whole night. Even though the thing looked like a scene straight outta a religious-ecstasy-mob (read: it was very very crowded) it was alright la. That guy on the podium abso-fucking-lutely cracked me up.

Like i told char, i need to go for confession.


Meeting exo was an unexpected surprise. And a pleasant one, too, at that.


so anyway. anyone who's ever read the Dune series will be familiar with the idea of Man being, on the broadly considered scale, a single organism - a mob mind, if you will. And a club is perhaps one of the best illustrations of this. There's really no personality in there, no individuality ...... its just mindless throbbing, bouncing, dancing, sweating, gasping, grasping, breathing, writhing masses of humanity. And there's a release in that, i think, which is important. We really arent the cultured civilized beings we think we are. Deep down and slightly to the left, there's a patch of primal darkness.


i couldnt have picked two better people to have gone there with, though :) (Two, because by this point Cindy had disappeared. Surprised, anyone? What? no takers? :D get this tho: She shows up AFTERWARDS. altho once again only for like 5 minutes. ) Thank you for taking care of me.


Kelli, im disgusted you thought i'd get drunk on ONE BEER and a lamborghini! like i said, any day, any night, any time.




For me the best part of the night was afterwards tho. Now i hate being sappy in my blog, so i shan't (y'noe that actually is a word? i always thought it was slang) do it tonight. But i was blissfully oblivious to the rest of the world. (Aside from the fact that everyone seemd to be stealing cars! Very disturbing! :D) I cant articulate how i feel. and that says something.





++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


I wrote, re-wrote and wrote again several different sentences here to try and convey how sad i feel about this area of my life, but i simply couldnt do it. I just dont know why things are the way they are. -insert suitable supposedly-flippant-while-inside-miserable quote here-







and with that, i conclude.



to lose yourself would be
to lose it all, emotionally.
And that's possibly
it.