thus far its been a funny season (of holidays, that is. in this case "holidays" encompasses Christmas and New Year. Oh alright and Hanukkah too).

Christmas itself was rather mundane. No presents that got me going much or anything like that (although i am very impressed with the Lord of the Rings (say LOTR and i'll shoot you. ESPECIALLY *you, if you can get in here. hotmail's working now, btw!) special edition set and the Michael Jackson Number Ones CD) and the whole thing just seemed to lack that pizzazz that makes these things special. Maybe its because of the crossroads i'm at, maybe not.
Maybe i just didnt get enough presents. =)



On the other hand, Christmas eve itself was quite simply the best i've ever had, in living memory. Details are unnecessy. Suffice to say the food was decent, plus the foie gras was actually nice! my heart cried out under the burden of additional cholesterol though.

Ah well.




I love the little flashing light thingys! i really think no one else took their's home. what a waste!!! thanks for the opportunity to get them :) i've already said all that i wanted to say, so no need to say anything again. "Ditto" right? (if you remember =)





Over all of this hangs a black cloud though. All I can say is thank God your phone roams. 5 days of seperation wouldn't be much fun. Here's to the rapidly-approaching 5th, eh?

hope i dont become regarded as incredibly ugly as a result of this trip. Pretty Thai men may prove too stiff competition.



I am a god.
Pure and simple. Divine, holy, immortal.
omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent - that's me. Never before has there been one like me, and never again shall there be. I tell you this with full confidence, because I am the sum total of all humanity: Yesteryear, modern day and distant future are all contained within the confines of my Olympian flesh. Alpha and omega am I; the left hand of the damned and the right hand of righteousness are but parts of my totality.
I am both odd and even numbers, the peak of a mountain and the shadow it makes on the ground. I am male, female, androgynous...Light, dark and in between. I am everything, and I am nothing.

i had one of the most hilarious conversations - or so i thought - via SMS i've had in a long time today, between me and a person who will, for the purposes of maintaining (did i spell that right?) privacy and anonymity and all that "Oh i'm a famous Hollywood star i must go undercover" lingo, be called *, in honour of a star with which said person is familiar, not being too fat to see his/her (no, its not that i'm unsure of *'s gender!) feet.

Note: This is original work, and as such the author (that's me) claims the right to assert intellectual ownership of said material. The other half of the conversation to be detailed below, having declined to be named, relinquishes this right. If and when this is made into '05's stunningly brilliant, amazingly funny, box-office-smashing movie, I shall laugh long, loud and clear.



o here it is:


Me: I curl up into a ball and die of sorrow

*: Oh yay! I am free.

Me: -silent as the grave, being dead-

*: Anyway you dont like that stuff. now at least i can buy lots.

Me: -silence continues, aside from wet sickly sound of worms feasting-

*: mmm :( that's no good! Cant you exist just for when i need you?

Me: -worms raise their heads (presumably? Hard to tell which end is which with worms) then return to feasting.

*: That's it? Hmpf!

Me: -worms suddenly realise they cant SMS. this message ends her- -

*: What happened to Tim?

Me: THIS IS GOD SPEAKING. TIM IS NOW WORM FODDER. FOREVER MORE YOU SHALL MOURN YOUR CALLOUS ACTIONS EARLIER.

*: God smses eh? Hey will I ever land a place in Heaven?

Me: THIS IS UNCERTAIN. TIME WILL TELL. AND YES, GOD SMSES. PERSONALLY I FAVOUR STARHUB FOR THEIR FREE INCOMING CALLS. DIAL 1633 FOR MORE INFORMATION.

*: What happened to tim? :(

Me: AN ACT OF GOD. UNDER INSURANCE POLICY REGULATIONS, YOU CANNOT MAKE ANY CLAIMS. DON'T EVEN BOTHER PRAYING.

*: I say this in angsty adolescent manner. God sucks!

Me: AND HE SWALLOWS, TOO. THIS IS MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR MANY WOMEN.

*: That is highly disturbing. You got me smiling to myself alone in orchard. not the best look. damnit!

Me: YOU SHOULD SEE IT FROM UP HERE. EVEN WORSE.

*: Wait, do you see me while i shower??

Me: THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT EVEN GOD HIMSELF CANNOT BEAR TO WITNESS.






and that was that :) was it funny at all??


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


i move, i come back.
Like a mote of dust drifting in the nor'west wind, i am caught by Time, endlessly fascinated with the workings of a see-saw. The delicious interplay of forces, so reassuring in their continued function, helps to stop me from getting stuck in prescient stasis. i am saved from being permanently trapped in the future-present by an outstretched hand, which turns out to be no more than a mummified claw, remnant of some long-gone bird. there is no salvation there. Hemmed in by Time, i lie petrified, afraid to open my eyes lest i be blinded, afraid to open my mind lest i be stripped of my intellect. So puny a thing, is my mind...stunted in its growth, lacking in fundamental development and dwarfed by the magnificence of galaxies.
Words slowly begin to become insufficient in my effort to express. As i drown, i clutch at the straws that are phrases, desperately trying to stay afloat by means of explaining my predicament. Words fail me, though, being incapable of anything new.
And it is indeed the new that i need to describe now, for there has never before been anything remotely similar to what i now experience.
Once more i drift, an Aboriginal man afloat on the great Sea of Time at the beginning of Earth. In the fire-hollowed canoe that is my skull, i float...aimlessly, with no purpose simply because i am resigned to the complete and utter lack of influence i have over the course of my existence.
I realise that my drifting serves no purpose. Realizing, i throw myself over the side of my canoe, and drown in the stars of the Universe's sea.

I move, I come back.

.



i start off this post with the symbolic dot.
named variously the "full stop", the "period", the aforementioned "dot" and lastly the common "damn my pen leaked", the power of the dot is never to be underestimated. it can utterly halt an overly garrulous, unpleasantly verbose man, rendering him completely silent, unable to plague the world any longer with his incessant chattering. Like so: .

*********************


i changed my profile today on several websites. there's something wonderful about changing "single" to "in a relationship".

altho the bit where i have to un-tick the "Dating men" box was utterly tragic.



i swear i'm kidding!!



speaking of homosexuality, Alexander is a very disturbing (VERY DISTURBING - nice and clear?) movie. I found the constant cuddlings and expressions-of-lust between men more than vaguely disquieting.... it was downright nauseating, really. The movie had that quality i had previously thought limited to school: Long, boring, and of the sort where you keep waiting for the person up front to die so you can leave the room and go home.

It was, to quote someone who's name i cant remember and who may well sue me for infringement of copyright/trademark, a sort of lousy Troy. so if you're like Ed and you thought Troy was bad enough....dont go near this one.





The time since the 5th (O thou most holy of days! Blessed by thy beloved sound, and may the music that is your name never pass from the lips of Men) has passed in something of a daze. a beautiful, wonderful, new-music-filled haze of...things.


I move from joy to joy, strength to strength
tripping the light fantastic with you
hand in hand and never scared
i sail thru skies azure and blue, white too.
caught up in feelings, ecastatic and hopeful
almost too happy to speak,
i find that when i see you nearby
my knees just disintegrate, they're so weak.



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



the knowledge that people out there in the world actually have some appreciation for my blog is knowledge i wouldn't mind being broadened, if you get my drift :) what's more, the people that seem to like it are those who have opinions i RESPECT. now that's something special.

alternatively everyone could be exceptionally bored, and be turning to my blog out of utter ennui.





"my confidante, the only one who listens when i talk to myself." I'd almost forgotten you wrote that for me. do you remember? :) it brings a smile to my face....which means it brings a smile to my face, too, eh?






i was riding up an escalator today and there were two RJC kids in front of me. Yes, i said kids. I'm an old bastard now. 'least i feel like it. Anyhow. They both had the mandatory sagging pants and all that. y'noe how it is. So i saw their pants, and i was like "Oh my God. I once wore pants like that. Except they were blue,and thus looked worse."
The upshot of all of this is that i had an epiphany: We're all going to look back and be digusted/amused at the way we are now at some point in the future. Even though now we think we're the cat's pajamas (or the dog's nightie... whatever floats your boat) we probably look like utter morons. or we will, later. Quite a sobering thing, isnt it?

Altho no, of course i'm not going to stop sagging my pants.






.

young fools in love?? maybe, maybe. but i aint gonna be the one to just come out and say it!!


after all, victor's already done it for me, no? =)



these days it feels exceedingly weird to use that smiley. reminds me of times past.



(this isn't pertinent to today's overall theme, but i must needs include it: I love my wallet! and the source of my wallet! and no i'm not talking abt the damn credit card :) )




but anyway. this is a post largely dedicated to and extrapolated from victor!! ring a bell? yes indeed bitches and gentlemen (1000 points to whoever gets that. 1000 points. the points are meaningless. thats right, the points are like studying for Economics now) victor now gets the same treatment as joyce did!!

at this point, everyone should be scratching there (American spelling!! hahahahahahahaha. disturbing thing is, its true! most of 'em cant spell so good. i saw this guy spell "per say". please say you know how it shld be spelt) heads and thinking "hmmm whats the similarity between joyce and victor?"


before either of you start puking when the thought crosses my mind that maybe i perceive physical likeness (cunning eh. this way neither of you feel insulted. right??) its simply because both of you said things that i felt needed a rather wordy reply. and also because the both of you managed to say things that triggered off cogs in my head. so here, victor, is yours:



no problem abt the "words" , as you termed them. they are, after all, only words. but i did mean them. i completely identify with the views and ideas you expressed in your blog (there's a beautiful word that is very appropriate here: "nihilistic". doesnt that give you shivers? and i dont mean shivers as in "oh my god thank god that didnt come out for GP") i've felt that life is empty from time to time.... admittedly only for very brief periods (possibly hinting at how very rarely i'm completely lucid?). its been ages since i've felt that way, because i think i overcame that hurdle a while back. or maybe all those periods of emptiness were just my subconcious trying to make me like everyone else. i dunno.

but i do know the feeling absolutely sucks. keats wrote abt it once, i just cant rmbr what exactly. but food loses its taste, colours arent vibrant, books lose their appeal (and thats saying A LOT), friends cant do anything. you just gotta get something to find solace in. and then cling to that for dear life.



the other thing i identified wholly with was the friends issue. i gotta say its strange how removing the thing that brought you together can reveal how much of a relationship was marshmellows and fluff. im not just talking about any one person here, (altho one does jump to mind - or to half a mind, possibly. its disturbing how rarely you ever mean what you say. or what you write, for that matter. but at the end of the day you're always my friend, even when you don't know it. ironic, no?) i'm talking about the whole damn space-time continuum, eddies, swirls, sworls, twirls, supernovas, black holes, white dwarfs, red giants and all.

i think sometimes we can be blinded by the fucking rose-coloured contacts we look thru into believing everyone's a nice lovey-dovey pink coloured friend; someone who actually means what they say, and who wont leave you feeling used over and over again. befriended, used, then betrayed...... but never with an ounce (alright alright you fucking metric dickheads) i mean milligramme of guilt. because that's simply not in the "Fake Friendships for Dummies" guidebook, is it? i mean get with it already!




at the end of it all, however, i know that one of you truly was (is? will continue to be?) a friend, because there are some things you just cant fake. and when you said "it all just crumbled" it was only then that it struck me how much and exactly what i'd lose if our paths never crossed again.





very poetic, no? but i mean every single bloody word.






lastly: Yes victor. I hazarded a guess that maybe, JUST maybe, there might be the slightlest, slimmest, almost completely negligible chance that you were playing DOTA that night. cheers mate :)

i am completely exhausted right off my ass, and also completely tired, as well as being so wasted i'm genuinely about to collapse. but i must wash the smell of cigarettes off me before hitting the mattress or i fear i may never sleep.


so.



i felt i simply cldnt sleep without recording just - and only just - this night's events, because they are incrediby important to me.


I absolutely love you. the 5th of december is OUR date, and can't no-fucking-body take that away from us. just you remember. somehow having to ask you in the middle of the road (and twice at that!) just makes it all the more sweet.



tonight seems like something of a haze. I went in and out of Rush, Cheeky Monkey (what the fuck is that name anyhow?) and in and out and in and out... and it was great. mainly coz of who i had with me. the company made things blissful, as i said. getting together in a techno club isnt exactly what i had in mind, but i think its as good a place as any!


strangely i ended the night without being drunk in the slightest sense. I am slightly woozy, but that's just a pleasant buzz - the sort that reduces everything to a nice background noise. you know the type.



tonight made me aware that there really are genuinely nice people in the world, and also that trust is something sacred: you can give it to a guy you've never met before, and really expect him to look after your girl. And i guess i did! even tho she hardly was alone, so there wasnt much actual looking after to do. Point is, however, that he asked me to, and i would have done it, had the opportunity arose.



Amant, amand, or whatever your name is: i hope you're alright man. whatever that malay phrase is: -insert it here-





alright i'm rambling, i really am. I'm absolutely broke, and i'm incredibly happy. that's what happens when you're lucky enough to be with a girl you adore!


but enough sappiness. To everyone who was involved tonight: much love. thanks for everything.



To you: the 5th of December is our date. now and forever.





and i dont give a damn how mushy that is.

Graduation night was initially a farce, but it became bittersweet and poignant towards the end of the night, i think. its funny...we're all so fickle. One minute we were all bored outta our heads, the next (altho admittedly after the most bored amongst us left..... maybe we had been poisoned) i was actually enjoying myself - and incredibly, missing my school, again. I'll never ever see Brother Paul deliver any messages again; never will i have Michael Tan complain about me; the last time I suffer by way of being forced to gaze upon Tan Jek Suan's sad excuse for a face was last night.

There were real sweet moments. All of us standing together and most actually singing the school song was one of the most vivid ones. How ironic, that its at the end of it all that we show any fervour for the school. It was typical, though, that at the end those that dont give a fuck weren't there. Like i told you, some things - and some people - just never change.

in terms of class togetherness it wasnt the most fun thing ever. i swear to god i just wanted to rip that tie off your fucking neck and tell you to shove it once and for all so many goddamn times. and then of course we have the floaters who, well, float. Yes actually it bugs the fuck outta me. just sit at another goddamn table then if it means that fucking much. but what the hell right. Not like i'll see most of you ever again.

*****************************************************************

Naturally, things arent the way i envisaged them to be - or the way you told me they'd be, for that matter. But then i'm more the fool for ever believing some of the things i did.

I dunno. maybe it finally is crumbling for me, now, too. I just dont want it to.






After the grad thingy (the climax of which was Taufik being crowned Singapore's first Idol. Three cheers then. Sylvester, methinks, doesnt need the title to make it, anyway) i met up with jacq (like i said, i should have done all of this much sooner) and kelli, to then be joined by Cindy, and the lot of us headed to Zouk.


So.


I hafta say i enjoyed myself. Like kelli constantly remarked, i didnt look depressed the whole night. Even though the thing looked like a scene straight outta a religious-ecstasy-mob (read: it was very very crowded) it was alright la. That guy on the podium abso-fucking-lutely cracked me up.

Like i told char, i need to go for confession.


Meeting exo was an unexpected surprise. And a pleasant one, too, at that.


so anyway. anyone who's ever read the Dune series will be familiar with the idea of Man being, on the broadly considered scale, a single organism - a mob mind, if you will. And a club is perhaps one of the best illustrations of this. There's really no personality in there, no individuality ...... its just mindless throbbing, bouncing, dancing, sweating, gasping, grasping, breathing, writhing masses of humanity. And there's a release in that, i think, which is important. We really arent the cultured civilized beings we think we are. Deep down and slightly to the left, there's a patch of primal darkness.


i couldnt have picked two better people to have gone there with, though :) (Two, because by this point Cindy had disappeared. Surprised, anyone? What? no takers? :D get this tho: She shows up AFTERWARDS. altho once again only for like 5 minutes. ) Thank you for taking care of me.


Kelli, im disgusted you thought i'd get drunk on ONE BEER and a lamborghini! like i said, any day, any night, any time.




For me the best part of the night was afterwards tho. Now i hate being sappy in my blog, so i shan't (y'noe that actually is a word? i always thought it was slang) do it tonight. But i was blissfully oblivious to the rest of the world. (Aside from the fact that everyone seemd to be stealing cars! Very disturbing! :D) I cant articulate how i feel. and that says something.





++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


I wrote, re-wrote and wrote again several different sentences here to try and convey how sad i feel about this area of my life, but i simply couldnt do it. I just dont know why things are the way they are. -insert suitable supposedly-flippant-while-inside-miserable quote here-







and with that, i conclude.



to lose yourself would be
to lose it all, emotionally.
And that's possibly
it.