CAROLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


whatever, tim.



:)




ANYHOW. watched Troy again today with grace mar and leon... just as enjoyable the second time around, if not more. ("Hector!!!! -violent whimper- -violent whimper-") and i don't care if i destroyed the movie for you!! actually i do la :) so i hope i didnt really. although i loved it, so obviously i loved it too, right? (get that one? this pronoun stuff is kinda hard :D)

honestly, i think the movie is SO well done, its amazing. oh for those looking for a bit of a laugh and who have seen the movie (just so i dont spoil it for you, i'm checking, y'see) AND havent read any of my recent posts scroll down till you get to an entry which starts with "I saw Troy with Aaron today" and see if that one gets you laughing :)



your baggy pants and your bottle of crack hits/fuck all of that shit


attention has been drawn to the fact that some of the stats on my blog aren't correct. *well like SUE me already. i'm apologetic to the core of my stone-cold, ice covered heart.


anyway back to Troy. here're a number of things i've noticed:

1. Remember when Hector and Archilles (I am magnificent!) are duelling? Hector dies right? (spoiler. sorrry. refer to * :D) well this is what i realised: His fatal mistake lies in the moment when, having tripped, he crawls over to his broken spear, picks it up and stands to face Archilles, spear in one hand, sword in the other. THIS IS A COMPLETE MISTAKE. any man knows that the guy with two weapons virtually ALWAYS loses. think of other classics: Darth Maul with his two-bladed lightsabre - he loses. Anakin (the young one) facing off with Count Dooku (or whatever) - loses a hand doesnt he? so you see, if Hector HADN'T picked up that broken spear, he would've won the fight. the rules dictate so.

:D so its crap. whatever :)

2. When Archilles, during the sacking of Troy, scales the outer walls of some section of some castle thingy, that's when it all becomes a bit too much. The director may as well have Brad strung up on a string and flown thru the air like Superman. he seems to have no bounds to his powers. he throws incredible spears, scales walls like Spidey and is seemingly impervious. someone give him a cape already!! and make him fly around with his left arm extended in front of him!!


3. There's just a little bit too much of The Lord of the Rings (the movie, not the books). Paris TOTALLY morphs into Legolas in the sacking of Troy section of the movie. the whole -draw back bow- "Oh damn im pretty" -release- style of his..... and then that scene where Priam goes to beseech Archilles for Hector's body...... GANDALF scene, people! c'mon man he's all long hair and robe and hood. i mean really. the one that caps it off is the scene where Archilles (I am beautiful! Splendid! Marvellous!) gets shot by Paris - goddamn he is such a PUSSY. doesnt the whole "get shot real bad but try to struggle on" thing feel overly-reminiscent of Boromir's last stand on the shores of the Anduin? maybe its just me, but the similarities are astounding sometimes.


4. Classic fight scene centrepiece: Hector fights Ajax (that his name? the guy with the huge hammer) during the first battle outside the walls of Troy, and, inevitably, of course gets stuck in an armlock with said man. so what does he do? he struggles - ineffectively, of course - and, finding himself with no other recourse, delievers a stunning headbutt. Applause, everybody!! standing ovation!! (no marks for originality, though :D )

:) i'm sure i'll remember more as time goes by (slowly dropping grain by grain into Death's region of the hourglass) but for now that's it.





in other, more serious news: God i AM pretty damn fucking dramatic. completely ironic that when going around with Grace today i was totally flipping out. "Cucumber sandwiches and tea, anyone?" and "pray tell, can you indeed read?", along with "Would you care to peruse this lovely selection of literature" spring to mind - yes i was totally going George (a la My Best Friend's Wedding) on her. but who believes in horoscopes eh?

NOT ME!



++who'd have EVER thought i'd rub anything good off onto you? thanks be to Him then :) i'm so glad you'd never believe it :D thanks for telling me


sensitivity can be carried a bit too far tho..... Mini Me (remember who you are?) has said i'm somewhat over-sensitive... i think there's another candidate up there too, perhaps? everyone has their flaws tho, of course.


the absolute weirdest thing: i wrote 3 poems on the subject of Suicide (for a refresher, refer to posts on May 10th, April 26th and April 23rd). as the dats show, even the most recent one was written almost two weeks ago. so they were pretty out-of-mind, you noe what i mean? (HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - pte joke :D) anw last night i calld them up and printed them out, coz i'm entering them in a competition in school. here's the weird bit: while reading them in school today i realised that the three are connected, and not just in terms of subject matter. here's the deal: Suicide by rope - the wife/mother. suicide by gun - the husband/father. suicide by knife - the child. the names Tom, Michelle and Heather in suicide by rope? Tom's the husband, Michelle's the child, Heather'd have to be a baby. at first i thot i was arbitrarily imposing order on chaos, but no - Rope is definitely abt a woman, Gun is definitely a man who's lost female loved one, and Knife is definitely about a child. plus the names and the sequence of the writing of the three...... its positively uncanny.



words can't express what you mean to me, and in this world we live (almost typed "leave" - someone analyse me. does that mean something?) in so much gets misconstrued anyway so maybe its good i cant express myself adequately. because someone, coming along and chancing on what i might, if i could, write here, would almost certainly get the wrong idea. but you know, i know you know, and you know i know you know, coz we BOTH know, something of what i mean. so yeah :)





alright i think i'm done here
im getting pretty shagged
tomorrow wont be fun dear
what with bitches whores and fags
nonetheless i shall retire
go to bed and try to sleep
tomorrow may be filled with fire
but tonight,i shall dream deep.

i wonder.... oh well i'll ask later. i hope not, though.


funny... wait till i tell you the dream i had! seems what the conscious mind dwells on during the day does indeed affect the subconscious mind's dreaming at night.



it was surprising how disturbed i was (disturbed, perturbed, my word :D) i wldnt have expected that if asked prior. the more a person means to oneself the more their opinion or feelings vis a vis oneself counts right? well who counts more than oneself? (hahahaha - get that?) spose i just never stopped to think about it. now that i noe, on the other hand, at least i wont do it again.

or so i say. i'll make slips, i'm sure. forgive me in advance? :)



In Other News:
been sick over the weekend. fucking annoying, the flu. it really is. fucks up the way you feel, makes you lethargic and all, PLUS of course there's the non-stop-nose-drip. EVERYONE loves that, dont they. but i shan't whine.


My Best Friend's Wedding's on in the background... i was abt to comment that there are some amusing similarities (they say the same thing at the same time etc) and also to say that there are SOME good friends who are male and female - but then Julia Roberts goes and falls in love with said best friend. so there goes THAT comparison. oh well :)


emotional baggage is SUCH a drag. for yourself, and perhaps even more so for the people around you. its hard to just tell them to snap outta it tho. solutions, people?



emotional baggage just weighs you right down
it drags you and drags you deep into the ground
and slowly you make less and less of a sound
until, before you know it, by baggage you're bound
never to escape.


but being morose never got anyone anywhere now did it? so fuck that.




hokay so here's the Earth, right

I saw Troy with Aaron on sunday, and it is absolutely MAGNIFICENT. that word also works especially well for Mr. Pitt. Gotta give it to the guy, he looked absolutely splendid. better than EITHER of the other two guys. and they're YOUNGER than him!! anw. the movie was done damn fucking well. if you're interested in something a little more high brow with relation to Troy, (as written by the great Homer himself - not the drunk from the Simpsons, dickhead, the OTHER one) copy and paste this into your browser. i'll warn you though, dont do it if you're gonna be offended by movie-bashing. here you go:
http://infernoxv.blogspot.com/2004_05_01_infernoxv_archive.html#108470787323896009
i'll warn you though... the guy does gush somewhat about brad. and Bana, too. yes, the GUY. that's what i said.



for those that have seen Troy already, remember that bit where Archilles (god he looked GOOD!) stands outside the city walls calling for hector? here's my spin on it:
"Hector!!!"


aaron's leaving sometime tonight/tomorrow early in the wee hours. i must say its tearing me up inside. there's no way to express why it is that it matters so much. its just sad.
i guess its coz he's completely relaxed with anything i do. i can let go of all pretensions and stuff.
and how rare is that?


"Hector!!!"



another thing about Troy was how much focus there was on Brad. it was like Opening scene: Brad. cut to Beach: Brad. cut to riding up to do battle: Brad. cut to Look at me, i am magnificent! Brad, yet again. cut to Look at my splendid abs! you guessed it. Brad, once more. and then cut to Look! not a single pubic hair! Wonderful I am indeed! that's right. Brad Pitt, again.
i swear to God, the movie should've been called "Troy: Look at Brad!!" or perhaps "Archilles: Damn I'm magnificent!" . Or maybe, quite simply (but still employing alliteration) "Brad the Beautiful"
the best part was that it wasn't even overkill! the whole thing was done (to me, at least) quite tastefully. which's lucky. coz it coulda made the whole thing a bit much to sit thru.



Hector!!!




to give you some idea of how much u see of him tho, get this: Grace and I were at Lido today watching trailers (before Van Helsing - pretty good movie!) and we counted (yes, counted. there are THAT many) SIXTEEN "Brad Moments" in the trailer - the TRAILER alone. that should say something, man.

although i stress once more (lest it cause you not to watch it) it really wasn't overkill. watch the damn film!!


"Hector!!!"

- "alright guys cut for a second my throat's pretty damn dry. but damn i look good in this armour don't I? reckon i cld do the Oscars dressed like this?" -


played the worst pool of my LIFE yesterday. oh backtrack a little. i skipped school to sleep over at aaron's on sunday night. don't you think that's the right thing to do, considering one's best friend is leaving? but i don't need your approval. wtf am i doing :) alright anyhow. yeah it was TERRIBLE. absolutely terrible. lost game after game. we played for like 3 hours and i think i won TWO games. and one of those was on a technicality. fuck THOSE man. they barely even count. its sad that that's the memory aaron's gonna take back with him. Tim, the pool loser :)
on the other hand, i convincingly - and repeatedly - trashed him at chess yesterday also. been AGES since that happened. normally we're about evenly matched. perfect for mutual development. so that's a good memory for him to take back. chess is way more important than pool anyway :)
or ta'bael, as i've just read it named. anyone recognise that?


- "alright let's get back to it. thank god the lines are easy here" -

"Hector!!!"


speaking of chess, played mar again today (thank god khoo didnt take the set!! that woulda been sad :D) i actually cant remeber who won man. i noe u won the last game (or rather i allowed u to claim victory - considering we didnt finish it :D) but did we play games before that? anyhow. you're getting better every game y'noe. spose like you said before this it'd been a while. maybe soon you'll be able to beat me WITHOUT delaying the game on purpose till Khoo comes so u can claim victory by default.
oh i am a BASTARD!!! :)
honestly, she pretty much had that game. gotta admit that. so props to you :)
i'll win tomorrow though. and after that, too :) anyone else feel free to come by and play too! i'm always looking for a game.



(six hours later)
"Hector!!! C'mon man. its as hot as Apollo's heart down here! come out, already!!!"



back to Aaron. the poor guy... this age we're both at really forces one to think a whole lot about everything. it really seems strange that 18 has been decided as some mandatory age at which to suddenly decide SO many things. frankly speaking its ludicrous!! which country to study in, what to study, career paths, where to live...... so many things! i guess all things considered he's chosen pretty well.


(three more hours later, archilles sits on the ground in front of Troy, playing listlessly with some pebbles)
"Hector!!!"


but i spose him leaving isn't that big a deal. after all, GLOBALISATION (god i hate that word) has brought us all closer together, hasnt it? we'll see each other before a year's out, definitely.

anyhow... rajoo didnt even ask for an MC today! how rad is that?

its sad to see things fall apart so much, even more so when its someone else's life and there's nothing you can do to help.
except listen, maybe. like what you said, sometimes its really hard to get people to listen. that's why aaron's so great (alright shut up i'm not gonna say anything more dude i swear :D). i'm always here though, if that's any help. although of course i'll PRETEND not to be listening. just to piss you off. :D


(nightfall)
"Alright dammit Hector!!! I'll be back tomorrow!!!"

What can I say;
Why should I pray?
With every day
That slips away
My mind it frays
My soul it sways
And falls more under your spell.


vibing offa Tigana... its full of magic and binding and stuff.



there really is a very bitter irony in the fact that after having being jokingly called a girl so much, now in some ways that'd be the perfect solution to, seemingly, quite a few problems. ain't life a bitch?



if we close our eyes, and see a vision in our heads of something Other, what's to say that what we see in our heads is any less real than what we see with our eyes open? when you think about it, eyes open and eyes closed are more similar than they seem at first. in fact, if anything what we see behind our eyelids is less susceptible to confusion and tainting than what we see in the real (so we say) world. eyesight as the world terms it is the receiving of images; and as Hollywood so blindingly illustrates, things can be VERY easily faked. any kid with a computer can simulate things these days. inner sight, however, now that's different. think about it.




i dont know
im just a hoe
none of us have brains
its quite sad
our minds are bad
thinking is SUCH a pain




***CAROLINE***



three things *you'd change huh? what were they? oh yeah.
1) over-sensitivity
2) Condescending nature
3) Paranoia

just to make things slightly more interesting, here're my three (with regard to myself again):
1) The appearance of arrogance
2) My mixed status
3) Paranoia


interesting how paranoia pops up on both eh? sure sign that we're either both mass-hallucinating (can never rule that one out :)) or there's actually a message there. (far more likely, all things considered :D)
of course, as i said the first thing i'd REALLY change would be to give myself a ten foot penis. yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen, ten feet, not one inch less. and precisely "For Fuck!" as you so succintly put it. heh



the lure of some forbidden fruit
that leads us to temptation
into it we give, knowingly
condeming us to damnation.



Real guys go for real down to Mars girls.

let's see. so far i've done the knife, the rope and the gun.
unless i'm mistaken, that leaves suicide by pills and suicide by jumping.

these are, of course, merely the most common forms of suicide. i COULD go completely Plath on you and do a poem about dying by way of a gas oven, but really, c'mon.
'sides, i hate the woman! well i sorta feel sorry for her, really. not hate. i just cant stand her poetry.


being grounded ensures i come home early EVERY DAY. which is kinda annoying. but nevertheless there ARE, of course, good things to be said for this. for some reason i'm much less tired when i get home early. maybe there's a reason for this. if so, who cares?




~_Fuck it. how'd it come to this?/ Your name inserted here should rhyme.

did anyone actually get that? part of me hopes no, actually. guess it is kinda mean. it doesnt sound like i'm pissed though, does it?
wasn't my aim, anyhow.



just occurred(i spell that right?) that some might wonder why i break my posts up with spaces so much. well y'noe how when u go into some ppl's blogs and there's just text and text and text AND more text? its kinda daunting - plus its a strain on the eyes. so i figure this way's slightly easier.
pray tell :)



played chess with mar today (how many games ah? can't remember already. kannn ni na) she BEAT me (alright alright props to you). once only la, don't get shocked :) but still. 1 outta 3 games. those arent that bad stats actually. it was fun tho. been a while since i played much.


brilliance of a different kind
the sort that ravages a mind
slips inside all of our thinking
pervades our feelings. see us sinking?




self-love is healing. got that straight from the most recently revealed groovy herby dolphin lover :)


friends are friends are friends are friends. but the best are the ones that UNDERSTAND. when to talk, when to shut up, when to listen, when to just be there, and when to leave one alone.
now how rare is that?

bet all you have
then lose it all
stand around slackjawed
looking appalled
dont start to feel sad
that really won't help
just make like a dog
and whine, bark and yelp.




mental twins, eh? like i said, kinda cool. i still say i'd have bigger ***** though. i mean really :)



just what IS it with blogger? goddamn thing keeps changing its layout and stuff.


so anw.

depression and sadness
and loneliness too
let's not forgot madness
and feeling real blue
intrinsically bound up
in me living my life
is the central desire
to not battle with strife.



to be blessed would be to be a blessing. to be a blessing would be to be a gift. to be a gift would dictate that there be people around to receive. to receive a gift is to be blessed, is it not? therefore to be blessed is to be given stuff.
i.e. to be blessed is to be DEMANDING and SELFISH.

its amazing what a little logic can give you, isn't it?

but fucking giving YOU. give ME. i'm a blessing, innit?




"i need the other half of my brain (which you possess) to reply"
-----> that totally cracked me up :)





just like that?
when i move you move
just like that (fuck the question mark. it only had meaning the first time round)



i feel sad that people lie. i feel sad, too, that as a result of these lies people get hurt and frustrated. somehow it seems unfair that because of the stupidity of others, the undeserving can be driven to feeling that everything is their fault. i feel sad too that friends, of all people, deceive others.
but wtf.


place the knife upon your wrist
notice how the vein doth twist
trace it lightly with the blade
(how reminiscent of Marquis de Sade)
look one last time in the mirror.
silver reflects your sad demeanour
but cheer up, child. all will end soon
i promise you, the slightest wound
will end all of your sorry pain
numb the nerve-ends in your brain
stop the nagging and the noise
the sound of all your childish toys
clanking on the concrete ground
with no children here to play around.
draw the knife back, ever soft
raise your wrist up high, aloft
feel the blood flow down like rain
dripping on your face. no pain
you feel, do you? as i said.
now go and rest upon your bed
feel your sadness flow out of you
your anger, hate, frustration. love too.
didnt i tell you? you lose all.
sorry kid. now it's MY call.
And I say you die.





that would be Part III of the aforementioned series. Its the Devil speaking, if you didnt get that.



anyway that's quite enough darkness for one night, i reckon.


*Goodbye to you/goodbye to everything that I knew/you were the one i loved/the one thing that i tried to hold on to







hahahahaahahaah i'm sorry. couldn't resist it.

its strange how it still hurts, even in the face of everything that weighs against something so minor. and yet there, completely unreasonably, it remains.


another week thus draws to a close. and what have i learned?
1) sensitivity is ok in females, but most terrible in males. and yet sensitivity - or rather its lack in men - is bemoaned most constantly.
2) friends are friends, and should be treasured, almost above all else, if they're worth keeping. and i've got a few.
3) Work can be addictive, strangely enough
4) my life isn't nearly as certain as i once thought. i find myself constantly re-evaluating my options, especially regarding my future
5) i look like Charles Heston (???)
6) i may have something of the equivalent of a mind's twin. even if i'm the only one who thinks so :)
7) its possible to be COMPLETELY (and we're talking ABSOLUTELY here, people) unwilling to have certain people around, WITHOUT harbouring any feelings of hate towards them. sometimes one just doesnt want some people around, y'noe?
8) best friends can lie to acheive some purpose of their own. and sometimes they can be complete fuckers.
9) its not the truth that matters, sometimes. its what people see that counts. impressions, rather than facts.
and
10) i have 9 other things to record on my "things i learnt this week" list. that's pretty cool :)



i find it strange, the approximate parallel of events in 8), don't you?



its good to know that money's there for the taking, if only one can be bothered to pick it up of the ground.

y'noe how sometimes you can try to be everything, but somehow in the end you realise that there are things which you personally can't do, but which only someone else can? its impossible to be EVERYTHING for anyone, that's one thing i've realised.

or maybe i just havent met the person who can be my all yet. methinks not, though.


there are things floating round in my head, scrambling to get out, like moths trapped in a lamp shade, their wings beating and burning. problem is, they just cant get out. and i can't even think of what they might be.


**i must admit, i'm confused.

and yet my mind is as clear as a bell, in other ways. strange, isn't it?


one can examine and look and search for nuances where there simply are none, sometimes.



could one such as i, perchance, be losing it? let us not be over-swift to discount the possibility

i must stop allowing my desire to be lazy to cause me to be most discourteous to a teacher I resepect, and indeed, admire. this week is the last week, i swear upon all that is holy.

(which, these days, isn't that much)


funny, isn't it. now i've suddenly had the thought that no one really understands me. now where have i heard THAT one before? :)



if i were to silently walk thru the dark halls of school at night, treading quietly on the very tips of my toes, would it make a difference that i weighed ten tonnes? nay, for silently is silently.

so much to say i dont noe where to start.

and tonight, of all nights, i dont have much time.



i noe it might sound like absolute crap, but the more i think abt it the more i think its true. funny how it struck me how alike we are just when i was pondering how different you are in that one way. like i said, if i was a girl i'd be u. 'cept i'd have bigger......... yeah :)
it also throws the whole of last year into disturbing relief. now if THAT ain't narcissism, i dont noe what is. and just stfu, you :)



i dont noe why, but sometimes you can really GET ON MY NERVES. PUSHING thru and going "what what what" - - - - i swear to God, i could................




*Starlight and Non-Being



its sad to see one of the few teachers one genuinely likes leave the college. i'm just glad i did the right thing before he left.



school these days is sorta like long dull boring periods punctuated by brief flashes of intense fun. which, in a way, is kinda nice. non-stop fun would grow tiring, ironically.



+i just want my fucking money, dammit! forget all the bullshit and give it to me already!



my mind's just swimming. i can't think.




to sleep, perchance to dream

been a while.


anyhow. something today struck me... something that poignantly reminded me of the sad transient nature of things. only problem is, i can't remember what it was.
ironic, isn't it? even the thought itself was transient. how very fitting.



life is fleeting.



today i had a horrifyingly self-cognitive moment. i found myself wanting to simply fill silence with inane conversation. this disgusts me! i abhor that! it repulses me! (u getting the vibe i'm giving out?) that's always been something that pissed me off abt other ppl. so let's just say that i'm real glad i stopped before i actually did it.


meta-cognition is a WONDERFUL thing, y'noe. really is :)


no but seriously, it is.




hot and bothered i sit here
contemplating things
my heart pumps blood throughout my whole
and while doing so, doth sing.



"doth". really that's one word that is beautiful.
another thing i wanna bring back, big time: "Brethren". now isnt that a great word?
and the phrase "You are a god to me". now THAT'S a good one. you'll all be hearing that one a lot :)


there's a whooooooooooole lotta stuff going on out there that i dont noe should be happening. but its not my life, so i'ma butt outta it.
just you lot all take care. self-destruction's messy, painful, and leaves little in the way of body parts for your family to bury.



oh. biggest news of the moment. FINALLY got my fucking GOLD for NAPFA. so fuck that.

been thinking abt actually going for NS, strangely. it would be cool to go to OCS.

wadya think?



fucking fragile just like glass
sits in just the next door class
hope you dont start to cry
if this next guy flies right by





alright that might not be the best poetry ever, but i just got sent an example of, quite possibly, the WORST. in all honesty, reading it inspires in oneself something along the lines of the sensation of having one's arms brutally ripped off, then forcibly shoved up one's nether regions.


it aint pretty!



perhaps if we all sat back as older people and contemplated our lives, it'd all make sense. i'd like to think so, because lots doesnt make any sense at all right now. i think what happens is that we push this big ball of uncertainty and confusion in front of us, ever onwards, as we get older, always dreaming of a time when we'll have the answers. thing is, i think we never get them. we just wander AND wonder our way through life, the universe and everything. the only answer we EVER get is 42.




Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.