pucker up for heaven's sake
there's never been so much at stake.


fuck la fucking photos wont load anywhere. fucking annoying.

*i know i'm selfish i'm unkind
but i'll change, watch me change my mind.


heh. reminds me of a certain borrowed, blue CD i owe. dum di doom. :D


today was kinda nondescript. nothing really happened. sorta just a blur of stuff. didnt break any rules, didnt particularly follow any either.
hope the ruggers are kicking the shit outta YJ.

it would be nice to see the shit kicked out of you, too, come to think of it.
positively wonderful -insert fanged smile here-


events in school make me wonder:how does everyone feel about me? i mean i think i noe how some feel... but its just strange how a little white-ed out space on a nonsensical piece of shit tacked to a noticeboard, accompanied by a little snicker and a low-voiced comment can get one paranoid. 'cept this time i'm sure i aint dreaming things up.
the little fucker's capable of anything. and one of you, at least, hasn't ever shown any signs of a predilection for me. so that just leaves one. i'd like to think you havent been swayed by the evil soccerer's spell (melodramatic, aren't we now?) but somehow i doubt even you'd be steadfast enough.

or are you truly capable, as you once said, of being so totally neutral? God knows you've listened to me bitch/semi-complain abt him enough, without you being affected. so maybe you just went with the flow this time around.


which, really, i can't blame you for. better people than you have, after all, done the same.

although who am I to judge who's better, eh?




i sit around dreaming
and ask myself "why ah?"
i rest my head, scheming
and ask myself "why ah?"

i stand around laughin
and ask myself "why ah?"
i drink and start barfin
and ask myself "why ah?"

i say "why ah" all time
and i really dont noe why, ah.
is it coz i've lost my mind?
really help me. why ah?




my god i'm really losing it. really.


WHY AH?!!!!





hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

_________________________________________________________________________



i'm kinda getting sad about leaving the country at the end of the year. wouldn't quite have guessed it, but i'm really going to miss some of the people i've grown to treasure - some of which, strangely enough, i've only really grown close to this year.


[] "(blah blah blah blah)"
~_"yeah "


god that really was hilarious. high five for that one. :)


they are pretty damn good cookies aren't they? just thinking abt them now :)

my god this too sexy song is damn fucking good la. one of the best songs ever. can't stand it. :)



i wonder what the hell you two are doing now?? movie? riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight :)


and that's it.

i don't care what they're all saying
won't listen to the lies they're playing
just watch the friendships they're fraying
i still think you're wonderful.


and *you should noe i do. fuck the ones who ain't worth two cents.


AND YOU. my GOD. you malicious scheming evil-hearted twisted sick fuck. what the hell HAPPENED to you?



seriously i'm amazed you're even coping as much as you are with everything.



fuck you man. and you, and you. and all the others too. just drop dead.

Place the gun between your lips
Wipe your palms off on your hips
You want to do this, you decide
You’ve really made up your own mind
Forget the coldness of the gun
Thoughts of living now you shun
Take one last look in the mirror
For one second there you see her
But she’s never coming back again
So just shoot yourself, my friend
Place your finger on the trigger
Don’t leave a not. I’m sure they’ll figure
Out what happened when you’re dead
Your brains blown out across the bed
Forget about them. They don’t care
All they’ve done is talk and stare
You’re nervous now. Your heart is racing
Just stay calm and stop your pacing
You’re breathing hard. Your lungs are puffing
Pull it now. Bang. Then nothing.



i hope you like both this one and the previous suicide one. I've decided to do a collection called The Suicide Series. they'll deal with various ways of doing oneself in, so to speak.
rather morbid a subject, i admit. but there it is.



get better mar! and don't fall sick grace.


i was so high i did not recognise the fire that was in her eyes.

i could have sworn that she was so lovelorn


tonight is nothing more than a completely abject collection of ramblings.


**i must admit to feeling more than a measure of pity and sympathy for you. tough go mate.



absolutely glad to help!! and like i said, it was really surprisingly fun. just dont make a habit of it alright? :) and i hope it scores great :D



i reckon that's my time
so i'll close it with this rhyme
god bless each and every one of us
something something something something bus.



:D

you say : how far have you gone with a girl?
i say: no further than the waist
you say: awww time that's sad!! really tim how come?
i say: ............................


(hypothetically):
i say: what've u smoked?
you say: oh nothing really. just cigs
i say: oh.


see why the fuck is it such a big deal if i havent screwed some girl or something but why is it not a big deal if all u've smoked is cigarettes and i've smoked weed?! is that really all that matters to you??
when it comes down to it aren't they just two different experiences? i wouldnt make a big deal outta the hypothetical situation. why do you make such a fuss out of feeling a girl up?




its been on my mind for a little while. it just puzzles me.



*let's just say watch out. he's on the prowl.



life's a huge, confusing, bleeding mess. a huge pain in the ass sometimes. and it doesnt help when we, thru our actions, make things much worse.

cheer up though. of all things you're not a bitch. really. i think you're a whole lotta things that it just wouldnt do to put into words here. coz you'd probably use it against me sometime :D you're great



i'm kinda tired..... think i might call it a day now. later people.


shoot someone for me, why doncha?

KATE BECKINSALE

katebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsale
katebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsale
katebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsale
katebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsale
katebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsale
katebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsalekatebeckinsale

THAT'S her name. spent the last two hours trying to remember it. it went "ok, she was in Pearl Harbor with Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck, and her name is Kate ..... Kate..... ah fuck la!!"

VERY annoying. also very trivial. but that's how it goes!



so anyhow. skipped Fahy once more with mar. dont think we can again next week la. came away with my HIGHLY important red pen. there's a story there, but its too long to recount. plus it aint that funny. so fuck that, too.



slip inside the evermore
and stare into infinity
notice how it seems a most curious shade of blue?
people often think
that infinite space is black
but i'm telling you quite seriously its blue. It's true!!



i read an interesting explanation once (a serious scientific one, actually) that really did say infinite space would be blue. something to do with light and the Doppler effect. can't remember enough to explain it in a lucide manner.


which reminds me of "elucidate". i'm fucking sad things turned out the way they did in that area.


"they say to me, "My boyfriend and I don't ever fight." like it's an accomplishment." Actually in my book, far from being an accomplishment, not fighting is incredibly unhealthy. i'm a firm believer in the idea espoused by Frank Herbert (and others; he was by no means the first to think this way) that the human race as it is in present time and day is unable to continue without chaos - i.e. conflict. we are, as a race, warlike and divided. The Second Law of Thermodynamics applies to us quite perfectly. so you see, not fighting, as described in the nick above, would actually be an inhuman restraint of natural desires.


aside from all of that, its also a bloody strange nic. as are most of them, for some reason.



to resist is to piss in the wind
anyone who does will end up smelling
knowing this why do i defy?
coz my inner voice is yelling



and sometimes that's just it, isn't it? no matter how stupid or futile, we continue our little struggles. our little games, our little wars, our little arguments. because on some level we just feel we have to.

fucking stupid, aren't we all?



tie the rope around your neck
hold on, dont let go quite yet
stand your feet up on that chair
hide the noose within your hair
make yourself presentable
demure, so sweet and frenchable
gather all your thoughts together
think of Tom, Michelle and Heather
check to see the note's still there
on the table, by the chair
yes it is, so now you're ready
move to the edge now. keep it steady
let's count together. one, two, three
now step off and die, so happily.



i don't even know where that came from. nah i aint ever committing suicide dont worry.



"deicide" is a pretty cool-sounding word. even tho it does mean to kill God.





pity and hate
spin round in my head
like Yin and Yang



*i've got people who like my poetry!!! well, "person", rather, at the moment. but still!! thanks mar :D


where do all emotions go
once through the brain they have all flowed?
is there a big recycling bin
where all emotions get dumped in?
out of which some being picks
out random ones and in me sticks
anger, hatred, peace and love
violence and gentle-as-a-dove
perhaps.



bouquet of clumsy words
a simple melody
this world's an ugly place
but you're so beautiful ~
TO TRAVIS!!!


that's how i've been singing it all day, so that's how it'll be :)


"Who likes the Skippy??!!"



martian penis friends. hahahaahahahahahaah that's just RIDICULOUS aint it :D



i think that's my time. g'nite folks!!

alright yesterday was incredibly fun...

really :) mar summed it up most succintly when she said it felt like we were on holiday. (altho u skipped school, so the feeling was CONSIDERABLY amplified :D)


grace and i went to dinner with her family coz it was mar's mum's birthday... it was at the Marina Mandarin and that place is GORGEOUS!!!

food was chinese........ 'nuff said. kinda nice la i'll concede that much :)


performed on guitar for them :) they said it was wonderful and all.... coulda been better, but not my worst la.


we are CAMERA WHORES. and mar's the absolute worst outta all of us. really. the girl is ILL.


her camera she just snaps and snaps
shooting all these things
next she'll start to - who knows?
dance? or -heaven forbid- sing!!!!


* :D heh don't hit me please please please :)


shit goes down all the time tho.... i had my own little sad story, they had a personal drama of their own. glad it didnt destroy the evening. coz it was FUN.

both of you looked great btw :) mar in your college girl look, and grace in your "oh damn im fifty with grandchildren" thing. :)


please refer to "*" above :D


i think you're probably right. most of the time its better not to tell. but like i said, sometimes its just looking out for a friend, kinda. y'noe what i mean? so discretion is the key. PLUS, its a cool word to throw around. cheap thrill n all that :D


you are also so right about the hypocrisy thing. let's just not do that with those near and Bambi to us ok??


(anyone get that? :D)


that's my time!! oh yeah thanks once more to ya mar for providing us with so many opportunities for fun, photos and shenanigans :D



2 fast
drive 2 furious.

today was damn fun :) skipped lectures, slacked, had PE... hung out at mar's place with her and grace after school..... ate, walked the dogs (DAMN its hot) and got so sex and the city'd. man that show.... gives me the shivers sometimes. :)


but anw im damn tired la. maybe tomorrow.

"such sad lives we lead"

that's so true its tragic.


*goddamn you can be such a motherfucking whiner you noe. sometimes it seems EVERYTHING you do is specifically engineered to just alert the world to how pissed off you are. kicking chairs, moping around..... the list goes on. grow the fuck UP will you?


why the hell i even care, however, continues to escape me.


time is such a bitch!! and so's JY for making us end at 2.30 tomorrow. goddamn.

"do your part for global warming and shut your goddamn mouth"



++++
those that came before, were also those that came after. and, at the same time as being BOTH these people at the same time, they are also those that are yet to come.

that makes them VERY busy people, in my book.

where do i sign up?
++++



I'm off to have my dinner
the wonderful dinner of mine
because i am a winner
the food will be so divine.



RIGHT. that was just about the cheapest poetry i've ever written :)



"thing is the above paragraph wont change anything. we'll never be friends again. you're the only one im absolutely sure of. there's just no way i can see that we could be. seems u despise me too much. and for all i know that despisal is quite possibly merited. so cheers."

-- anyone remember that?? god that was a horrible time. do *you remember it? let's say i, for one, am glad to have been proven wrong.


life's an irony isn't it? out of that sticky mess, the one i was the most sure of never being pally again with is now one of my fastest friends, and one of the ones who was helping me thru that whole patch i now barely speak to. someone analyse that, please.



"unlike others who just forwards the msg back to me when i ask them." hahahaahahahahaha that now seems utterly hilarious. you were so right, mar. we're all gonna look back someday and laugh at so many of the events that have transpired. guess i'm just starting early :)


Old macdonald had a farm
oh damn! Fucked up! NO!
and on that farm he had a horse
watch out here's exo!
we all noe he will fuck that horse
fuck that horse, fuck that horse,
fuck it fuck it fuck... it
old macdonald HAD a horse
now he has a foal!


Twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you are.
how'd u get above my head?
does it mean that i am dead?
twinkle twinkle little star
"PUT THAT WEED BACK IN THAT JAR!"

thanks for the com :)



you can't say
i didn't give it
i won't wait
another minute


some things you just don't say face to face, remember me telling you that? well this aint exactly one of them, but this's slightly easier, plus it'll last longer. its all a huge mess sometimes isn't it? don't really know what to say, but i'm guessing you know what i mean. i'm always here n all that bull "aight"? :)

except when i'm out, ok course :)


oh, and -massively huge hugs that are in danger of suffocating you-

________________________________________________________________________________________________


coz i deserve more
i deserve more
so just drop dead.




i intro'd that song didnt i? it really is a good one.



been thinking (as usual) and maybe i was wrong in the past. no elaboration, but yeah i'm glad i was wrong.
everyone's human. its easy to remember that everyone includs myself. the tricky bit is remembering that "everyone" also means everyone ELSE.



i'm treading in sewage
and stepping in shit
every thing's a goddamn chore
i need to take a hit

it's becoming such a struggle
doing stuff that shld be fun
my head's just really muddled.
is he still the one?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

vibing off a shitload of stuff there.


its kinda like a game of squash
where my feelings are the ball
they bounce offa other ppl
and hit against the wall

then they keep on bouncing
making thoughts spring to my mind
and then they bounce and bounce and bounce
changing what they find



when it comes down to it, why DO i hate you so much? in fact, for that matter, why do you hate ME so much?? am i really that hate-worthy?




alright everyone just SHUT THE FUCK UP.

:)



but seriously we weren't all bad at one stage. i wonder.




i also forget: which one was it that said man is born flawed? Mencius or Confucius? leave a tag, someone.


i am quite impressed with Maroon 5.




i was quite hurt by news i received yesterday. why is it that segregation must continue, even after all this time? are we that immature? or is it just not possible to change things?? are we so definitely caught in the webs we spin in the past??


*i stood up for you yesterday. nah u aint NEVER gonna forget it :D heh no worries. :)

"its alright to have butterflies in your stomach. just make sure they fly in formation"
- Robert Gillbert


sure he's got a damn sad surname-and-first-name combination, but hell its a good quote :)



watched the Passion with Grace today ( as i asked her, how DID i end up watching a movie with her? we cldnt work that one out). anyway. my God. the movie is mindblowing, heartwrenching, horrifying and great. it really is.
my faith too is greatly strengthened after watching it.


aren't we all stupid? i wanted so bad to quit teaching at Hougang, and now that the day when i teach my last lesson is finally approaching i find myself feeling sad and depressed.

oh fickle beings that we are.


"instead, i let it slip past
not really giving two cents
it aint worth it really.
"were friends". past tense. "

was reading thru old blog entries n this one caught my eye. doesnt mean anything. just thought it was a nice bit of rhyme.

"Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers
A pack of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked
Peter screwed that pack of pickled peppers
Coz he's a fucking fag, you see. he's sick. "

that one too :)


does everything that has a beginning have an end? i'm trying to think of things which are initiated but dont stop.

ah HA! one of Newton's Laws of Motion: once a force is applied to an object, that object continues in a straight line in the direction of the force applied until another force acts on it.

SO, in space, away from friction, if one applies a force to, say, a tennis ball, it will move onwards forever. and since space is infinitely large (oh come on it SO is) the ball, conceivably at least, can travel forever.

except that if space is infinitely large, there are also an infinite number of stars and planets. so the ball's BOUND to hit something.

but then again quantum uncertainty dictates that we cant tell whether the ball DOES hit something unless we actually are there to OBSERVE it hitting something.

so its quite simple! we simply claim to have "pressing engagements elsewhere", thus avoiding any appointment with observation, and we can then safely assume our heroic tennis ball is somewhere out there, bravely travelling ever onwards.

QED.

quantum physics and astronomy ya'll. go check it out, seriously.

reading my testimonials...... making me reminisce. its kinda nice to remember :)


no that isn't a thinly veiled hint to *you. would i do that?

i mean, seriously. :)


Do you say "on" friendster or "in" friendster? occurred to me as i was emailing someone on (or in) friendster today.

i wonder... well i spose you say "on" the web right? who noes.

who really cares?!


volleyball was fun again today... its good to not have to train. just playing is plenty nice.

plus i flipped out :) now THAT was cool. i think jocelyn, WM and pamela are going to be QUITE traumatised for days. heh :)


i'm still wondering what it was. every now and then the thought slips into my head.... no point asking tho :)


god i'm tired.

especially when i drop the beat and do the a capella

___________________________________________________

beginning to reassess certain things in the light of revelations which, to be honest, should have been blindingly obvious right from the start.

you're not all you're cut out to be, are you? you've got quite a number of people fooled.

who woulda guessed?


but if you manage to pull it off, then by all means props to you.


___________________________________________________

spose there's a bit of Mrs Khoo in me.



anyhow. i wake up this morning to find that i no longer have a family. in the middle of the night (actually, obscenely early in the morning really) they up and left me..... they went off to Malaysia and i'm all alone.


wtf??

but anyhow plans have formed pretty quickly so i won't be bored. gonna go meet dawn n jack n aaron at the former's house..... probably skate (:D) maybe watch the Passion. it should turn out alright :)



meanwhile, sit back, relax, and listen to me ruminate.


its 7.30AM in the goddamn morning. too early to leave yet.



you've never even been my friend
and yet you still insist
on assuming every single thing you know is true
now what the fuck is this?

just what sick little twisted mind
thinks that he knows it all?
trust me bitch the saying's true
pride comes before you fall.

and the only place you're going hon
is straight down to the ground.
and if you were a colour,
well then hell you'd be shit brown.


___________________________________________________

ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo





seventy three dollars for an MC?! girl that's insane.





funny how thoughts just pop into your head isn't it? so much for free will. random firing of synapses, that's all it really is.




its futile.

what can i say?

"what's going on?!! i heard you screaming from the elevator!!"

socks, shoes, feet and toes.



hahahahahaahahahahahahahaahahahahhahaa goddamn it was hilarious.


but seriously, sorry if i really upset you.



otherwise, just laugh :)


volleyball was pretty damn fun today. just game after game after game. it really was good

*that girl was there... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


yeah.



been thinking: maybe one more relationship before i leave the country. stupid, but yeah.


carissa's single, it turns out :D



let's see how things turn out then.

rings of power and lighters of loss.



hahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaah :)


c'mon man kudos for that one. just thought it up!!


nick of the night: ~_i noe i'm selfish i'm unkind/something borrowed/something blue/you hate me/so fuck you too


got recognition of its superbness. great minds think alike then eh?



God dont u HATE the "fools seldom differ" bit that some bastards insist on tacking onto that otherwise great proverb?


read some pretty funny shit today. one's "if we can put a man on the moon, why havent we gone the whole way and put them ALL there?" - obviously sexist.
"dogs come when called. cats take a msg and get back to you later" - i love that one :)
"i love to cook with wine. sometimes i even use it in the food" - right on :D
"life must be a test. if it was the real thing we'd be given better instructions" - that one had me laughing and laughing :)

there was one more, but i've left it in your comments box ("your" being the person who expressly asked me to blog) so i won't mention it this time round, coz that'd make things BORING


:D


my god. "heee heeee". come ON!!! that's just nappy :)


nah good for you :)


had the BEST mexican casserole EVER today. it was SOOOO good.

REALLY good.



REALLY.


:)


this won't be played
on your radio.



sylvia sylvia plath
come on lets all do the math
killed herself with gas
she's taught in my class
but strangely no good stuff she hath.

ZERO good poetry.


(threw that last line in there to satisfy the otherwise-unrelated-totally-to-anything line abt math. cheap escape i noe. bite me)

(gently, please :D)



that's my time :)

what would drive a person to stick her head in a gas oven after having prepared breakfast for her own flesh and blood, the only reason for her actions a desire to kill herself?

what about despair so all-consuming, so absolutely absolute, that it seemed all else was swallowed up in this giant hovering black cloud of depression? a total loss of purpose. the end of all meaning to anything?

I think that would just about do the trick, don't you?

_________________________________________________________

exo's withdrawn. what the fuck. with that my best friend leaves the school.

god DAMN it.

_________________________________________________________

its funny. i don't even LIKE sylvia plath's poems. and yet she's starting to pop up now and then in here isn't she?




who would've guessed it? who the fuck would have?

_________________________________________________________

ever feel slightly guilty... over what, exactly, you aren't quite sure... but there's something you should feel guilty about? you just can't put your finger on it?




i haven't. what's it like?

:)

_________________________________________________________

i bet ya'll thought i was throwing you something there didn't you



man i could ramble on all day. its scary.


*my stomach's filled with butterflies.



this girl on the bus i take in the morning's caught my eye, surprisingly. maybe................. i must say it would be nice to go for someone. its been a while.

we'll see, then.


_________________________________________________________

what about when you feel something's wrong, but you're not quite sure if anything is, so u decide not to say anything? but the feeling colours all your actions... making things weird. until finally something IS wrong. self-fulfilling prophecy, kinda.


now THOSE are the stupid ones. mentally kick myself every time i do it.

_________________________________________________________

if we could hover between brackets
for all eternity
maybe
we would be able to feel safe
for the first time

_________________________________________________________

"it means a slow insidious spreading of similarity which threatens the continuity of indigenous life"

really, i didnt realise at the time, but its a pretty nice sentence :)

_________________________________________________________

i've been thinking. even when we're skateboarding, *you seem to be floating around inside my mind. even when i've got u beside me (on your bloody Element deck you bitch :D) what does that mean?


part of me fears to follow that thought thru.
_________________________________________________________

if i had a million bucks
i'd run away from here
hide away somewhere
in the southern hemisphere

probably down in sydney
where all the good parks are
maybe down in Paramatta
where i'd walk. it ain't that far

that'd be cool.

_________________________________________________________

that's my time.

slip inside the in-betweens
notice there the dark unseens.
they stalk these lands so quietly
dead men's bones gnaw violently
while everywhere they seem to pledge
on every stone, rock, tree and ledge
"Never i shall tyrant be"

_______________________________

nullity
the dark emptiness that hovers
waiting, ever waiting,
at the centre of all
the abnegation of existence itself.
the futility of it all;
like a blind spider in the uncaring earth,
breeding, ever breeding, but to no good end,
so does the uselessness and emptiness
at the very core of being
hold us all in thrall
thrashing about aimlessly
like that blind spider
burning up quickly
ever so quickly
like moths in a flame.


_________________________

today i seem inspired
quite possibly quite fired
up to do some good old rhyming stuff
some of it will doubtless be
tales of woe and misery
others will, like this, be fluff.

_________________________

the ups and downs of life
grab you by the throat, throttling, and almost never letting go
one minute one seems to be beyond all possible sadness
the next minute, like an overwhelming urge to cry, one drowns in woe.

like dear Plath with her head in an oven
i feel the noxious gasses of life
choking out all of the feelings
which are otherwise inimical to strife.

__________________________


unlimited eventualities. that's what i'm feeling now. life seems like it can go in any direction from here. who noes? come 2005 i might find myself living in China!!

but enough of that. feels sllllllightly different to be 18. but honestly not much really.

shout outs to those who gave me stuff!! thanks mar vic n fio for the CD. its really fantastic. and grace, the wrist thing is really damn cute :) its busy glowing right now. thanks :)
aaron for Parachutes. another fucking good album. thanks a bunch. jack for the shirt. element's a good brand ;) dawn for the chocolates. i swear to god, its a conspiracy to make me fat :) steph! i love the bracelet. thanks a mil :D charlene, rachel n andrew: thanks for the coldplay DVD. who wlda thought they'd do Trouble all punk rock eh? :D

thanks to all others too numerous to name. love yas all.



its funny how we're termed creatures of free will and yet we have no control over our fears. completely baseless, that's what most of them are.

and yet they remain. is there, then, some cause for concern in some cases?

best not to worry :)




apologies to those as are owed them.




i really dig Eminem n D12's new song. its great :)


ladies and gentlemen
that is my time
no need to start throwing
nickles and dimes

i'll take my leave now
depart from the stage
i'll leave you lot here
to find your own cage

i'll not build it for you.