My com crashed. Fuck. Moving past that short but succint expression of angst. I'm sure there are people who'll want to know my results viz. the A levels - whether because you want to laugh at my miserable failure to succeed, or to commiserate with me, or whatever. I dont give a fuck. but far be it from me to deny ye lesser beings the perverse joy of gloating. so here it is: A A B B No more, no less. Thing is, many people I'm sure are well-nigh overwhelmed with a desire to kick me. "It's a decent score!" they'd say, I know. But this is my space, so please (and i'm saying this with utmost sincerity - call CNN!) don't mind me being morose. I should count my blessings, though, because it really IS an ok score. coupled with my SATS there isnt really anything i want to do that i can't. so.......... i'm blessed, i guess. it just strangely doesnt feel like it.



+++++++

(Count 'em!)


The good news is that my SATS, coupled with my A level results, gives me a score in Australia which grants me entry to any course i could possibly want - 98/100. (Any course I could possibly want means NOT courses like Bachelor of Liberal Studies: Advanced. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ANYWAY? AND WHY DO YOU NEED 99 TO GET INTO IT?!)

so that's pretty sweet. still, it leaves me with the big 5 choices: Music Law Literature/History Philosophy Psychology.

So that's no fucking good!

Its a tough time, it really is. frankly speaking i find it fairly ludicrous that we're expected to choose something so momentous on our own. Maybe the traditional Chinese have it right with choosing for their kids.



throw it up and spin it around
turn and -splat- fall flat on your face;
Struggle back up, look around, say "why bother!"
Return to your groundside disgrace.





There's a funny feeling i'd like to share.
Ruminating by my windowsill one day upon events of my younger years, i ------

Ok that sounds like i'm 50. Take Two!

I was sitting a coupla days ago, just chilling, and thinking about stuff from when i was a younger dude (how's that?) and i realised that so much of my life seems like it just occurred yesterday. Yesterday I was in secondary school, laughing my way thru life. Yesterday I was sitting for the final paper of the PSLE, and then running, running down the halls (which strangely seemed much shorter) and screaming down the staircase to freedom - for a time, at least. Yesterday I was learning Chinese for the first time, a fresh-faced, cherubic little Eurasian kid from Down Under, only eight years old, and loving it. And just the day before that I was a little kid of five, learning to ride a bike.

All of that happened just days ago! Or so it seems.



My point is, memories stay fresh with me, and, i'm guessing, with most people. Something from 5 or 15 years ago can seem as recent as something that happened last week. The tragic thing is, your body ages. And therein lies the sorrow: I think the flesh slowly fails, growing old, wrinkly, aged, crickety, rickety, gnarled and overly-veined, arthritic, joint-troubled and generally un-cooperative, whereas the mind stays - discounting unfortunate events such a Alzheimers and the like - sharp, and fresh - an organ to which Time is not so much an occurrence as a convenient agent to sort out files for storage.
What that means, of course, is that each and every person ends up feeling trapped in his own body - watching, screaming soundlessly inside with a mouth the world cannot perceive, whilst his form slowly decays without any similar decline in mental fitness. it must be incredibly frustrating to have that happen - to not feel that much older, to feel like you SHOULD be able to do the things you used to, while people around you say to take it easy. To act your age.


And that you look "fantastic for a 50 year old!".





* + * + * + * + * + * + *



I think the human race as a whole is a pretty weak, whiny, whingeing and all-round pathetic snivelly snot-nosed thing, today more so than ever before.
We've got Quit Smoking! support groups - complete with nicotine patches, nicotine gum and counsellors. oh yeah we all need dem damn counsellors alright! fuck man! what about doing things for yourself these days! tough it the fuck out! What're you gonna say to a counsellor anyway?
Week 1: Today my friends laughed at me, and i wanted to smoke

Week 2: Today my friends laughed at me, and I wanted to smoke

Week 3: Today my friends laughed at me, and I wanted to smoke

Week 4: Today my friends laughed at me, and I wanted to smoke

Week 5: Today my friends laughed at me, and I wanted to smoke. In fact, they havent stopped laughing at me since Day 1, and they probably won't stop. But you know this already.



We've got the people not taking any blame for their own fucking faults. We've got the "Oh I was scarred as a child. That's why I do drive-bys". We've got the "I didn't get attention when I was a child. Hence I take drugs." And, of course, everybody's favourite: "I wasnt loved enough - that's why I'm gay." For the love of everything that is holy! Do what you please, but take some responsibility for it! Everyone's finding ways to explain things away - I've got this complex! I've got that syndrome! Do they sell that problem at the chemist? Its perfect for my latest misdemeanour.


Anyone who's seen Fight Club might have some inkling of what i'm talking about. But still, i love ya'll. Peace out, Earthlings.